Increments of my behavior were relatable to my unproductive past. I let him drive the car, moved my seat up, and tried to understand my state of mind. I had been aching to write and yet, could not articulate my feelings with accuracy. Having it all stay inside- I was no longer habitual to this either so, what to do?
I spent puzzled time trying to understand my thoughts- were they frozen or running? Usually, I had a grip on my mentality but this summer, I couldn’t help but let it run like a heavy river stream. In uncatchable directions and ways, my thoughts paved my summer away. I could not put a finger on my feelings, wants, needs, hopes, or anything relatively concrete. Only when the pressure for answers returned did I realize the uncontrollable fluidity my body and mind had submitted to.
They say flexibility is a good practice but I often felt undisciplined- too flexible, too available. Although they say this is periodical, I feared it becoming permanent personality- forbidden. Becoming flexible would mean potential for greater mistakes, potential for uncertainty and also, a lack of commitment. I was fearful of my inability to provide, fulfill, and commit- to be everywhere.
Suddenly, as streetlights became brighter outside, I began to turn my bedroom lamp off upon sunset. I thanked God for air and refused to surf the city with you anymore. I prepared my bed alongside the rising moon rather than sitting with you and puffing scented smoke amongst company I did not recognize. Undoubtedly, there was a necessity for that closure but never could I allow myself to forget, there was also a necessity for small chat with my mother, words on my paper, and prayer on my lips.