The side of my mouth is tilting. A little bit to the side, like a smirk. I think that is what they call it- smirking. OH WAIT THOUGH- This is not what Harvey Spector does in “Suits”. Have you watched suits, little girl? Have you watched that confident man tear apart the court when he speaks- boasting on the outside but ever so vulnerable on the inside? Haha, what am I saying? It is not necessary for everyone to have seen television shows I have; I must explain this in a different context a bit more universal to all.
Empowerment does not take much at all now- does it? What did it take for me to feel as empowered as I do today? I mean, it is not mania in Bipolar; I can sense I am not on a biological high. That is not causing such intense feelings of “OKAY” and being in control of my life because I know I am not. I think I have accepted I am not in control and this is why, I have gained empowerment.
Dear God, I have visited your hall lately and sat for a few minutes every day in your shrine. I remember that day last week when I ran inside ( I actually mean panting as though someone placed a time limit on my living days ) and waited for Ardaas to be over. I sat down and listened to the paathi speak about prioritizing you first before peaking over at the langar or the colour of her rumaal. I mean, I understood what was going on here but all I cared about was getting some parshaad for my family and my Love- my man. I wanted to pass on “blessings” to my people so good things would happen in my world. On the other hand, half my family received parshaad and I never met my Love despite maximum efforts. I was so cross with you but never understood lessons you tried to teach me.
“Lessons you tried to teach me”
I still haven’t paused for a few minutes in life to write about what those must have been. Perhaps, I was not really doing anything during this whole time but running around searching for my own soul. I barely believed my Love would hang around and wait for me if I focused on the Ardaas; heck, my own belief was weak. My own gut was weak and I chose to blame you for feelings I already knew existed before I stepped into this gurdwara.
I was blaming you for my reality :
lack of acceptance & inability to deal with conflict