April 16th, 2015
Four months since I got myself someplace. I mean, that is sincerely how I feel. Four months, it has been, since I found myself some bars to climb- my last try and my last journey. I thought of it to be my last strive then and I honestly think of this to be my last string now but, I am climbing and the sun is shining. The sweat is leaking from my pores as every day goes by due to the heavy sunlight that refuses to go away. Whatever, sweat is good and this is the cure, as they said. Not that I care about what they said, it is more about what I feel. Personally, I do feel as though sweat is the cure; I happen to agree with them. I want to smell like heavy sweat. Oh, burn my soul, you freaking sun. Rebuild me.
That is just my external image.. my pores opening and closing. Internally, I desire to vomit my entire body clean.
“What in the world.. is that even proper English?”
I am smiling at my own text as I type. Indeed, I wish to vomit until I can no longer do so. Every drop of alcohol I indulged in or every piece of sinful sweetness my mouth tasted- I wish to reverse. Surely, I do not regret it. I believe in the cycle of life- this was meant to happen. However, if healing is now then I desire to vomit.. this would be my chosen strategy to heal.
I am laughing. I know my mind is creating a scenario with sweat and vomit and feelings of pleasure. As I enter every building, every day, and search for garbage cans in case my stomach churning becomes reality, I picture this scenario and long for some sort of equivalent satisfaction. I breathe and stay curious as to how God will suspend my craving.