There was no right or wrong, between you and I, between myself and the world, between myself and God. There was no right or wrong in all you had to do to keep afloat, and all I had to undergo to remain by your side. There was no right or wrong in your silence or in my persistence, for the way we were being, was the only way known to us, at this time in our lives. Even today, as I cannot fathom your extinction, I still remind myself, there is no right or wrong.
My love remained in tact every time I cursed at your sins, under my breath, for I knew, once upon a time I had my loved ones curse me in the same way. I also knew, that I held not the capacity, of being the Almighty’s warden, for I cannot announce your misdeeds or shortcomings in all certainty. Sitting in solitude, I recollected her suffering, and recognized that I left her alone, in order to merely exist today. Understanding I was losing her, I kept going, acknowledging and moving, acknowledging and moving. Had I been told to do anything different at the time, I would never have agreed, as it was impossible to do so, mentally, physically, in every way. There was nothing that could have stopped me from leaving her, them, and plunging into the water, even though this experience led to scars, some healed and some still ripe as ever. At that point, I was far from recognizing my inability to swim. Heck, I did not even know it was water, that I had dived into. Had it been scorching lava, it probably would not have made any difference.
Today, she does not look my way. Years of longing forgiveness, have not concluded. I would no longer be surprised to find that the wreckage of her heart aims to remain for the rest of our lives, for she has every right to continue building the wall, which I continue exhausting myself against. This back and forth battle of care I wish to exert, and love she fears to accept, may continue until we both leave our mother’s nest, only to never see each other again. All I know is that I too, am guilty, of leaving her in the middle of nowhere, to renew myself, just so I could be here today. And despite all the evil in decisions I took, there was no right or wrong, between my sister and I.