Self Written Chapters

Every moment, I seem to picture a horrendous future

And with paranoia, place all my love in the now.

What are calls, messages, mails, and pictures that distract

From the laugher of my mother- ever so rare?

Mother, you know me but you do not.

Perhaps, you know the way I breathe and chew my food

Or the contemplative and unhappy expression I carry

At almost all times for the past few years

You claim to be unfortunate, as you do not see anything else

There is no other who understands my internal breakdown

As you hurt, when I hurt

You are the secret to my every account; your name is my pass

The scarily amount of love I have for you, you do not know

You know but do not know your wrinkles cause me fear

Panic, havoc, and late night thoughts consist of nothing

But your everlasting existence still paving my way in life

Mother, you know me but you do not.

Effort fully, I seek happiness and stability so to

Slow down the oncoming of your old age

I appreciate every foreign well-wisher and blessing

Received from aisles of the last-breath hallway

Better preparing myself for your mortality

Understanding without you, I will be a bit less

For no one can compile my being regardless of broken pieces

The way your kindling hands have, repeatedly

Thankfully, I never thought of what you thought before

O world, thankfully I did not become consumable by your piercing gaze

Blessedly, I navigated through your disapproval and disgust

I surprise myself now, wondering how to create myself further

As if this was all in my hands, as if there was no more God in me

At times, I picture waving hands out the sunroof of his vehicle

Other days, I picture my shaved head, clean robe, and seclusion

Lately, I have seen myself on the other side of the globe because, why not?

But looking into your hopeful eyes, I become obligated to love my town

Every step on the sand this month, or fluttering bee on the garden flower

Has reminded me I at least have home enriched with motherly memories

 

To Become ~