They say a daughter is closest to her father- all shame is lost when he pronounces her as dead regardless of being alive. As God leans towards his children through parental forms, one loses God if one loses her father while both are existent.
I do not understand why you would hurt me despite being aware of my lost connection with “our” companions- my distance is very evident, so why hurt me? Many years have gone by debating rights and wrongs, justice and equality, and hierarchical status; how could you have energy to remain entrenched in such things? After seeing the homeless walk around your city, upon almost every instance of stepping outside the home, I thought you may become more humble, warming, or understanding. Lately, accepting this impossibility, I buried my head in my pillow trying to run from you.
“If you run, you are a coward” I hear you say but running is not out of fear- especially not fear of you. Running would be for personal sanity, survival, and rescue. For example, if one lights a fire around me, I would not stand there because running would make me a coward. I would run, at the fastest potential speed, understanding I will die if I remain in the same atmosphere; I would not choose to fight against an untouchable opponent. Similarly, you are untouchable for me. The closer I come to persuading you and showing you my newfound mind and personality, the more toxic spit you spread across my existence. To no avail, I forget about my nightmares and signals of distress to convince you… convince you to see me from my perspective. Alas I realize, we are two different beings forever and therefore, we will have two different perspectives, forever.
I do not understand why you would hurt me and believe it is taking some sort of positive effect for you- successful aggravation or some sort of revenge. I do not recall much of what happened between you and I no longer; I do not have the ability to hold grudges over petty things. I am aware of losing privilege, status, and association with my father; I have no right to offer help during his old years. As he walks by me, cursing under his breath and unable to look at my face, I keep losing ego.
I am confident, if I lose ego dangerously, I would be unable to stand on my own two feet and the first group to laugh at my loss would be my family. To protect my ego, I engage in a self-defensive lifestyle- aggressive continuity, social service, and unlimited chatter. I allow anger, irritation, and blockage to take over externally despite being quiet, rationale, and disciplined internally. I do not understand why you would reciprocate this defense by hurting me when I am no longer affected by anything past my father’s disownment. Do not become entangled with a woman in my place- you will achieve nothing but delusional satisfaction and self-pity.