The amount of times this world has had me on my knees- I like to place the blame on destiny surrounding me. There was more to my end of life apology than the front surface my eyes were told to see- or is reflecting upon the past a version of relapse? Walking through the hallways I know you may have died in, I know there were reasons for my actions, reasons for my position, and finally, reason for my apology. Only I will know the purity of my heart as stripped off my clothes to illicit corruption. Bouncing in and out of history tonight, only I will understand my desperate search for pacification and hence, a hand stained with cigarette or marijuana fire. Only I will understand why the alcohol was not enough- enough for what? Enough for all that was said, or too much unsaid. Welcome to life, I am glad I made you smile today. Only I will understand why this interaction will have kept me going for days- that was the time, those were the days. Were the days?
Walking through the hallways I know you may have died in, I know there were reasons for my screaming cries and violent clawing in your skin. I know my promiscuity was a break from the regular routine as I spent time with you. I know I was smart, past what these fools told me. If you believe greatly in yourself, another being can speak ill or well, and it will be minimum in comparison. Only I will understand how this belief kept me going, when hope in you became pathetic as fuck.
There is more to my apology today. As days go by, perspectives switch and time runs easily or drained in cravings. Yet, I understand I am smarter than a tear signifying momentary confusion running down this cheek.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr